MY WEEK

BEWARE - This will be a very long post. I want to jot down all of the weeks events for my own journaling purposes. Sorry if I ramble & it gets a little long, but it's something that I need to do for me. I will not be offended if you don't want to read it - it goes into a lot of detail that again, I needed to do for me.

SUNDAY - I received a call from my Dad on my way home from church that he is on his way to my house & dropping off my Grandma (who lives with my Dad & Stepmom) while he goes to the hospital. You see, we had a Father's Day dinner & party planned later that day at my house. But, my Dad got a call that my brother was in the hospital. He was found unconscious in his bathroom when his best-friend & roommate got home from Wal-Mart. My Dad tells me not to go with him just yet to the hospital, but to let him go down their & see what the situation is first. A half an hour later my Dad calls me & tells me I better get down to the hospital that things do not look well. I show up & in no way was prepared for what I saw. My brother's body was laying in the ICU, but you could tell he was not their. He was unconscious & had a breathing tube in. He was not able to breathe on his own. We waited with no change. My Dad stood by his side holding his hand for an hour while I sat in a chair & cried. The doctor's talked about doing a dialysis procedure to flush out his system & get rid of the toxins to see if that would help. We left the room so that the procedure could be taken care of at about 6:00pm & they said it would take an hour. At 7:00pm shift change occured, so we were unable to see him for another 45 min. At that time a doctor & a nurse came out & asked us (My Dad & stepmom, my brother Jeremy & his wife Tamara, and Me & Erik and my Grandma) to go into a conference room with them. The doctor explained that the procedure had not been done yet because his blood pressure was never stable enough to do it. She then told us that he had multiple organ failure - his lungs, liver, kidneys, intestines & basically his whole gut had failed. Therefore, she was not optimistic that anything would help. Besides the fact that when he was found unconscious they had no idea how long he had gone without oxygen to his brain. So, he could very possibly have brain damage as well. She said they would do anything they could & do the dialysis procedure if we wanted her to. But, it was our call how much we wanted done. She said if they did the procedure his blood pressure was so low that he will go under cardiac arrest, so we needed to decide whether or not we wanted them to continue trying to revive him or not. Well, after over an hour of my Dad calling my Mom in St. George & discussing things. It was decided to let him go. Now I don't want this to sound like we just gave up. NOT EVEN CLOSE!! The doctor was very blunt in telling us that no matter what we wanted them to do - it was not really going to help. He was too bad off & had no organs to sustain life even if he was able to be revived. My Dad, Jeremy & Erik gave him a blessing which asked that we here left behind could be comforted. At 9:00pm my Dad informed the doctor & the nurses to stop all efforts. (Their was a nurse constantly working on him. One nurse sat & pumped blood in him for over an hour & it would come out as quickly as she put it in.) At that point we sat in his room in silence & just watched his heart rate steadily drop on the monitors. At 9:45pm he passed. The doctor pronounced his death after their final vital sign checks at 9:55pm. We were devastated. There's so much more to the story - so many emotions. But, there was nothing more we could do for him. We left the hospital at 11:00pm in pure shock at what had just happened.

MONDAY - I didn't get much sleep & I was up at 5:00am. Still at a loss at what had happened. We had to wait for my Mom to arrive before any major plans could be made. We (my Dad, Jeremy & Tamara & I) spent the day looking at pictures, drawings & kid memorabilia my Dad had while we waited for my Mom. When my Mom arrived the work began. We went out to visit a few mortuaries & start getting the needed info. Then, it was back to my house while we continued to try & plan who would speak at the funeral, etc.

TUESDAY - My Dad picked me up in the morning & we went to pick out a plot at the Mesa City Cemetery. After which we headed to Allen Funeral Home which ended up being the mortuary we picked. We had to choose a casket & make the final decisions on the funeral & viewing times. Then, it was back to my home again to finalize the funeral program & finish picking out pictures for the DVD we wanted made. (Thanks again Allison for the DVD - it was wonderful!) I stayed up late writing the Life Sketch for Michael - that was my assignment for the funeral services. Not one I was necessarily happy about, but I knew I needed to do it.

WEDNESDAY - I spent the morning on the phone. There were so many calls & arrangements to be made. Who knew this would be such a busy time. The stress was overwhelming. We were doing everything through my ward since I was the most central for everyone & Michael's records were in my ward. He had not been active for years, but since we bought his home a couple of years ago - his records were still here because no one ever explained otherwise. We then had an appointment at 2:00pm at the mortuary to go dress Michael. Jeremy brought his suit from his wedding to dress Michael in. Jeremy spent most of his childhood receiving hand-me-downs, so this was his way he said of giving him a hand-me-down. Really though, Jeremy just wanted something special to be on Michael. Yet again, there was nothing to prepare me for this either. I've never been to a dressing before & it was very hard. I stayed back most of the time - it was just too much. Finally, at the end, I was able to pull it together long enough to button his suit coat. Still completely in shock that this was all really happening. Then, it was time to go home & prepare for the viewing. When I got home Michael's ex-wife Jill & his son Elliot had arrived at my home to stay with us. The viewing was from 6:00-8:00pm. We were their right at 6:00 & there was already a lot of family their. I took one step in & had to step out. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go in their & face all of the sad faces. I took a deep breathe & went in. We had friends show up from our childhood that we haven't seen in over 20 years. It was so neat to talk to them & hear all of the old stories of Michael. The next thing I knew it was 8:00pm & they were turning off the lights. The time went so fast - I couldn't believe it was all happening so quickly. Afterwards all of the family - & I mean all - went to Nielsen's Frozen Custard so we could still be together. Eventually we all had to go home & prepare for the next day ahead.

THURSDAY - We woke up & got ready to show up at the church by 9:45am. Everything was already set up & ready to go. We had a viewing again at 10:00am for those that couldn't be their the night before. The family prayer was at 10:45am by my Grandpa Jim Carroll & we got to say our final good-byes before closing the casket. What a hard task that was. How do you say good-bye? How do you keep it together as you watch his 7 year old autistic son that doesn't truly grasp what's happening go up & say,"That's my Michael - he's sleeping." You just don't - it's too overwhelming. The casket was then closed for good & we followed behind as it was rolled into the chapel for the funeral services. The funeral was beautiful. The opening & closing prayers were taken straight from his baptism program. They were songs he chose back then & we wanted them to be the songs for this as well. The opening song was "Teach Me To Walk in The Light". Then, I gave the life sketch. Something that was tremendously hard for me to do. Jeremy then gave a beautiful talk about some of his favorite memories of Michael. We then had a congregational Hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob". Followed by a talk on the Plan of Salvation by my Uncle Jeff Mason. He was a seminary teacher for years & couldn't have done a more beautiful job. He talked about how ironic it was that he died on Father's Day. How hard it was for us & that we couldn't believe it would be on that day, but how fitting it was for our Heavenly Father who loved him the most to want him home with him on that day. That was comforting to think of it that way rather than what a horrible Father's Day it was for us. The closing song was "I Am A Child of God". After the pallbearers carried the casket into the hurse it was time to follow to the cemetery. My Dad gave the cemetery dedication prayer & I can only imagine the strength that took for him. Because this was the end. Once we left here it was all over. That was hard for me because I knew that. I didn't want things to end because then I really had to let him go & I still am not prepared to do that. But, we had no choice. A luncheon was prepared by my ward for my family back at the church building at 1:30pm. I can never thank my ward enough for all that they did. From my Bishop & his wonderful support, willingness to help & wonderful conducting of the funeral services to the all the wonderful women in my ward who helped with the luncheon. Not to mention my friends Brooke Sutherland & Melissa Mortensen who took care of the music for us. I am lucky to know such amazing people. We took our time being with family that we hardly ever see & I couldn't bare to leave. I just couldn't believe it was over & this was the end. I'm still in shock. We spent the rest of the day & evening at my house with family & enjoying Elliot & his sweet spirit. He's such a beautiful kid.

FRIDAY - This was the first day that I didn't have a million things to do all week. We literally just sat around my house-exhausted. I played many games of "gold fish" with Elliot. Only he has his own way of playing. I watched him draw Ursula & Sebastian from The Little Mermaid & lots of robots. It was crazy to watch him - if he would have been left handed I would have thought it was Michael. There are so many ways that he is like Michael. Michael loved to draw & drew on EVERYTHING!! Elliot is the same way. My Mom & Alan came to say bye to Elliot on their way back home. Later my Dad & Mignon came to spend time. They took us all to Organ Stop Pizza & we sat there for 2 hours watching the guy play the organ. Elliot just sat in his chair the whole time watching & loved it. It was so fun to share that with him & Michael would have loved it as well.

SATURDAY - Paul (Jill's new husband), Jill, Elliot & Meghan (Jill's sister) left to head home at 9:00am. That was hard - we hardly get to see them & Elliot is the only bit of Michael that is living. But, I am excited at the prospect of seeing them more. Paul is so good with Elliot & I'm so happy he is there for Elliot & Jill. He is now a part of the family. Once they were gone I went to the cemetery. Michael, of course, was already laid to rest. I sat their & cried & asked for forgiveness. For him to please forgive me that I didn't try harder to help him, that I was too mad & stubborn to be a better sister. Even though I feel that we tried a lot & he just didn't try back - it's still a guilt I will forever have to live with. What a week - one that will haunt me forever. I can't believe it's all over & I won't get the chance to see him again on this earth. I still can't believe this all really happened.