MOVING

Here's the dreaded moving post. Dreaded because it's such a long story, but one that I need to jot down for our own personal history. When we moved back to Arizona in Dec. of 2005 it was right in the peak of ridiculous housing prices. We didn't think we would be able to buy anything. However, we kind of lucked out. My brother Michael needed to get out of his town home & was willing to give us a smoking deal. (Well, smoking deal for that time.) So, we took it. I wasn't overly thrilled because it wasn't a house, but it was what we could afford. It was also not in an area that we really wanted to be in & not the best area of town. However, we were lucky enough to buy something & even luckier that it worked out that we could redo a lot in the house. We worked for weeks before moving in on ripping out the carpet & placing laminate flooring throughout, repainting everything, getting all new appliances, etc. A lot of work, but totally worth it & actually pretty necessary with the condition it was in.

We were excited & loved how it turned out. We only planned to be in this home for a year & then hoped to move to an area where we really wanted to be. Then real estate took the big plunge & we were stuck! We quickly started to feel a little claustrophobic in this place, but made it work. Then, 5 years later, a plan raised that we felt we could get out. We did a lot of searching on what to do & had issues with the whole moral thing on what would be right for us without feeling like we were taking advantage of the system. We were starting to panic because we didn't want Kylie going to junior high where we were & she's getting close to that age.

Then, right before Thanksgiving, we had a slab leak. I didn't even know what that was until it happened. We thought our hot water heater broke & was leaking. We called in the professionals & quickly learned that we had a slab leak. In Jadyn's closet her wood flooring was mush! It was sloshy to walk on & warping fast. It was that point where we finally felt at peace with being completely done with our house! We had had it! We were sick of fixing toilets, garbage disposals, sinks, leaky roofs every time it rained, etc., etc., etc. It was just getting to be too much. It was bound to happen with an older home & we were tired of it.

We have a friend in our ward who is a realtor who was so kind & helped us a ton! We decided it was time for us to put our home on the market as a short sale. Within a few weeks we had an offer to the bank. At the advice of our realtor we hired a negotiator to work with the bank & that was the best decision we could have made! For us, it was completely worth it! A couple of months later (& a lot of back & forth) we had approval to move forward. YAHOO!! After a nerve wracking month of inspections & appraisals it was set to go & we were house hunting for a home to rent.

We found one & put in an application. A couple of days later we were told that they had chose another tenant. Darnet! We were looking again. The first home I wasn't thrilled about anyway, so I wasn't too sad. I told Erik I wanted a home that when I walked in I would automatically feel like - this is it! We found another home that when I saw the pictures online - I knew it was the home for us. We looked at it & again, I knew! We signed the lease on a Monday & were all prepared to move in that weekend. We turned in our deposit money, etc. Our home was scheduled to close on Friday & then we would be moving on Saturday. We scheduled it all!

Then, of course, the inevitable happens. Thursday night we get a call from our realtor that a fluke thing had happened. One he's never heard of before. Again, of course this would happen to us! The buyers on our home had gotten denied for their loan at the last minute on a weird technicality. Bizarre!! Yet, we didn't completely panic. Erik said he felt totally at peace that things would still work out. Either way, we were still moving since it was all scheduled already.

So, we packed up as scheduled on Saturday April 30th & moved to our new rental home. Our girls were not terribly happy about leaving what they were comfortable with. Especially Kylie, she doesn't handle change all that well. Yet, we were excited to see where this new adventure would take us.

It just so happened that a couple that was in the Easter Pageant with us lives just down the street. And the family that lived in the home we rented only moved a few houses down & have a daughter Kylie's age & a son Jadyn's age. They now have friends close by & love playing in the neighborhood! It's been a terrific blessing. They can go outside & play now, ride bikes, scooters, etc.! All the things we never let them do at our old place. Needless to say we love it!

As for our old place. Our realtor was amazing! He wasn't about to let the deal just die. He rushed our buyers into a lender that he knew & worked his magic. After a very nerve-wracking few weeks the new lenders approved the loan & we finally closed! We are so happy it's done & over with! I couldn't walk away without taking a few details pictures of the old place. (We all know I love the details!)

Since it was Michael's home there were still a lot of reminders of him around. In a way, it was hard for me to leave because it was his. At times I felt horrible that I was letting this go since we have so few things left of him. I just kept thinking, at least we have the best left behind - Elliot! Some of the things are not good reminders, but reminders none the less. We have:

**He loved the dog prints in the saltillo tile in the back bathroom. Why a tiler would thing it was ok to lay that tile & leave it is beyond me. ut, it ws pretty crazy!

**REDRUM scratched in the back of Kylie's door. Lucky for Kylie she was completely clueless! (Again, I said not all things were good.)

**The "stain glass" light on the staircase. Michael's wife at the time, Jill, (love you Jill) did a stain glass kit on this light. They left the light on for too long & it melted. Haha! Jill still gets a good laugh from it.

**The fan in the master bedroom was painted when we moved in. Michael thought it had a cool ambiance with it being painted a deep red. Luckily, it was just watercolors & it came off. Well, off the glass anyway. The blades still had a tint to them that we couldn't get completely off.

**I don't have a picture of the living room fan in this, but it was special to him. Apparently, he & Jill went to San Francisco. (CAn't remember if it was their honeymoon or just a trip.) They found the ceiling fan their & brought it home. Michael loved that fan!

**My favorite thing is the view outside of the master window. It's not spectacular, but it had a lamp near a tree in the back grass area. Michael told me that would be my favorite part about the house because it looks neat when you look outside & you see it lit. He said it's like looking at the lamp from Narnia.

Needless to say, leaving was a little hard. We loved our ward & especially our friends out that way. Yet, we needed to move for our families sake. I can't even begin to explain how much happier we are in our new home. For so many reasons! It's already made a world of difference for our girls. Plus, the Young Women in our ward got up to sing in sacrament & I counted 24 of them! 24!! I started crying. That's a lot better than 1 like our old ward. That's exactly what we wanted for our girls.

BITTER SWEET

May 25th is a bitter sweet day for me. Let's start with the bitter because who doesn't like getting the yucky part over with first.

May 25th is my brother MICHAELS birthday. He would have been 40 years old. Quite a milestone. I can't believe 40 - that's just nuts! I paid a visit to him & took a pic for my mom who couldn't come with me..

I brought the orange flowers, but the yellow ones were already their. It's nice to know that others remember him & care. That others remember the goodness of him is very comforting to me. He is deeply loved & missed!

Now for the sweet! Yesterday was our 14th wedding anniversary! HOLY COW!! 14 years! If I didn't feel old already - that will do it. We've gone from this...

To this...

So what if we're a little bit older & bigger! Overall - we're happy! I love Erik dearly & he is a wonderful man. After all of the hard times we've been through I feel like we can make it through anything. And the good times are just the icing on the cake!

J&E BAPTISM PART 2

Now it's on to the baptism! If you haven't read PART 1 below you probably want to before reading this.

About an hour before the baptism Jill's friend Dawn from work came to the house to meet us. She's actually the one that got the missionaries over to Jill's house. She's a lot of fun & seems like a great friend for Jill to have. Dawn has a 13 year old daughter that we were able to meet as well named Jackie. Jackie watches Elliot every Saturday while Jill's at work. Here's a photo of J&E with Dawn as well as Elder Okerlund on the left & Elder Panek on the right.

We followed Dawn to the stake center & then Mimi got a phone call as we were walking into the room where the baptism was being held. She answers her phone & I can hear a baby crying - a brand new baby! My sister-in-law Ruth had just had little Daven Michael Hallows a few minutes before that. She was 3 weeks early so I was a little nervous listening to the call & kept asking if everything was ok. Both baby & Mom were wonderful. Congrats to Sam & Ruth!!

Once in the room it was time for J&E to get dressed. As well as my Dad.

Elliot was so excited to get in the water he could hardly contain himself. He kept asking if it was time yet. We sat in the front row with J&E. I was amazed at how many people kept coming in. It was standing room only. It was amazing to see the support from members of the stake, ward & friends that came. Honestly, it helped put my mind at ease that they were going to be so far away from us & any other family. I now know that they will be in good hands & feel good about it. The Elders said they received a call a few hours before from their Mission Pres. (Pres. Pfile) & that he was now rearranging his schedule because he really wanted to come. I asked them if it was normal for their Pres. to come to a baptism & they said no. INCREDIBLE!! The Stake President was their, as well as a high council member. (The High Council member, it turned out, was from Arizona & was in the Bishopric when I was a baby. Crazy!)

My Dad gave a talk on Baptism. He, of course, was great. Then it was time for the Baptism. J&E started to walk in the water & my Dad told Elliot to stand on the stairs & let his Mom go first. Elliot giggled the whole time his Mom was going under the water. It was so cute. He was more than ready when it was his turn. He came towards Papa (my Dad) with welcome hands ready to go. He did take a few moments to look around at everyone watching him. He actually looked around & once he saw me & Mimi he focused on what he was doing. I like to think he was making sure we were watching, but who knows! ;) He coughed a little bit as he came up, but did a great job. Then, it was off to dress. Mimi went into the dressing room to help Jill for a minute & I stayed out.

During the dressing time Elder Okerlund spoke. He told the story of how they found Jill. They went into a Walgreen's to get something. They needed to break up a $20, so they went to the bank next door to do so. It just happened to be the bank that Jill worked at. Once they walked in a lady yelled across the bank, "Hey! I can help you boys over here!" They said it was so loud it was hilarious. Then, another lady (Jill's friend Dawn) ran up to them asking if they were the Elder's for that area. They said yes & she said good - I have a referral for you & it was Jill.

Jill's friend Kim Whitcomb spoke next on the Holy Ghost. Then it was time for the confirmation's. Let me just say, they were beautiful! My Dad blessed Jill to remain strong & to be worthy to attend the temple in a year. Also to be able to make good decisions about some things going on in her life right now & to be a great comfort & support to Elliot.

Elliot's blessing was amazing! (Geez - how many times have I said that word now?! There's just no words to describe how awesome everything truly was in person!!) Not to mention the fact who was in his circle. My Dad, the Bishopric Counselors, Ward Mission Leader, Stake President, the Elders & the Mission President. How cool is that?

He was blessed that he would be able to overcome his mortal afflictions. Also, that he would receive the Aaronic & Melchezidech priesthood. As well as serve a full time mission.

At this point I was sobbing. That was music to my ears. What a wonderful thing to hear for this sweet young boy. When it was over there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Everyone their felt the amazing spirit & the spirit of this special little boy.

In fact, I'm getting upset with myself that I'm not a better writer. It was such an amazing experience & I'm just not doing it any justice.

When the Primary President stood up to welcome Elliot to Primary things got a little silly for a minute. She welcomed Elliot & he in his cute little voice said, "I don't need to go, no thank you." We were dying!! He's had a lot of changes in his life the last little while & is a little nervous sometimes. He had told us earlier that he thinks he'll get lost from his Mom while he's in their. The Pres. just told him not to worry & come whenever you feel comfortable. He said, "But, I might get lost from my Mom." She said that his Mom would be next door to him. Then he said, "But, I was in their FOREVER!" It was so cute!

I'm sure he'll warm up to Primary quickly. I wouldn't be surprised if Jill receives a calling in Primary to be near him for awhile. She's aware of that possibility as well & is fine with that. She's always more than happy to do whatever is best for Elliot.

What amazed me is the overwhelming spirit their. The Mission Leader that conducted & the Bishopric Counselor that presided were in tears throughout as well. The counselor that welcomed them to the ward said he had a special spot in his heart for Elliot since he himself has an autistic son. Again, this ward was ready for J&E. They have 4 other autistic children in the ward, so they are well prepared. When it was over I had a member of their ward come up to me & say what an incredible baptism that was & that he's never been to one that powerful before. He said, "I don't know about you, but it felt like the Heavens were open. Like there were a lot of people wanting to see from the other side." Little did he know how many we do have on the other side. Especially Michael.

I will never forget this amazing weekend. The spirit that was felt throughout the entire trip was unreal. I'm still in awe at how unbelievable it all was. Again, there's just no words to describe, but I hope you can understand how special it was. I kept thinking of Michael during the baptism & imagining him kiss my cheek like he did on my birthday years ago. I'm sure he was their to support his son & I'm sure he was delighted. He would have been so proud of the beautiful spirit his son is. You can't deny how special he is once you've spent any amount of time with him!

J&E BAPTISM PART 1

This will be the first of a few long posts, so consider yourself warned! ;) This is for all the family that wasn't able to attend & especially my Mom!

**So that the story will make some sense in parts I need to give some background on my sweet nephew Elliot. He will be 9 in June & is by far the sweetest boy I know. I'd have to say He's even sweeter than my nephew Carter who can make your heart melt in an instant! Elliot is Autistic & is very loving. He is high functioning & progressing at a great rate. He also has Juvenile Diabetes & handles it very well.**

This past weekend I had the opportunity & pleasure to attend the baptism of Jill & Elliot. Jill was married to my brother Michael & Elliot is his son. Even though Jill & Michael were divorced I still consider her my sister-in-law. Dear little Elliot is now all I have of my brother in this life & he reminds me of all the good that my brother Michael had in him. (If you don't know the Michael story & care to know just click on the Michael link below.) Now, let's start the story from the beginning.

Once upon a time... (about 2 weeks ago)

I received a phone call from Mignon (Mimi) asking me if I felt like going on a road trip. I thought that was really strange. A road trip with just me, my Dad & Mimi. Well, ok! Of course, count me in! But, why? It was then that Mignon informed me, with many tears, that we'd be heading to Colorado Springs to attend the baptism of Jill & Elliot. With a choked up voice I replied - "Are you kidding?!?!" It was a remarkable thing to hear! This was something we have been waiting years to hear! A very exciting time for our family!!

Luckily my husband was very supportive of me leaving for 4 days & knew how important it was for me & how important it was to me to be their. There was no question about me going & I can never be thankful enough that I was able to attend this amazing event!

FRIDAY - We drove all day - 13 hours. It went by fairly quickly & wasn't a bad drive at all. Don't ask my Dad that though, since he drove the whole time & Mimi & I watched movies the whole time!! ;) We arrived at J&E's home around 11:30pm. Look how cute this part of her front room is...

Elliot was still awake watching "Horton Hears a Who" & greeted us with welcome arms. Then, it was time for bed.

SATURDAY - We woke up & went to breakfast at Mimi's Cafe. Elliot thought it was great to go to Mimi's Cafe with Mimi! After breakfast Elliot was dying to show us the animals at PetCity in the mall where we found these sweet love birds...

He really wanted to go to PetsMart, but thought the mall would be ok as well. Wal-Mart was next on the agenda to get some food for the weekend.

In the afternoon on Saturday the Elders came along with the District Leader who needed to interview Jill before the baptism.

While Jill was in her interview one of the Elders sat on the floor with Elliot drawing pictures. He told us that they have been drawing out all the discussions for Elliot. Elder Okerlund drew out the First Vision & talked to Elliot about that. Then, he drew the Pre-Existence with dotted figures since we didn't have bodies yet. He had Elliot draw Heavenly Father & Jesus & he knew that they weren't dotted because they had bodies. The way this Elder interacted with Elliot was just amazing. I was so impressed & knew that these Elders were hand picked for J&E.

We spent the rest of the day hanging out, talking & watching YouTube videos. We showed Jill a slideshow of the Reflections of Christ videos & she was extremely touched. She was telling us how she's never been a crier, but now she can't seem to hold it in. She also is very aware that it's the spirit speaking to her.

SUNDAY - Church was bright & early - 8:30am.

(Don't you love how my Dad & Elliot are making the same face?!) We were their on time & we were instantly amazed at the wonderful members their. One lady came up to Jill & gave her some colored pencils & a pad of paper for Elliot. Thinking he might enjoy them. Well, Elliot takes after Michael in this sense that he draws constantly, so it was perfect! One of the risks you take of showing up early is being asked to speak. Who would ever think that would happen while you're visiting a ward, but it did to my Dad. I just laughed - only to my Dad would this happen as he is terrified of speaking in front of people. Geez - I wonder where I get that from? Apparently their speakers had some emergencies happen & weren't able to speak. They had some daughters that were able to read their talks, but they still needed to fill time & asked my Dad if he wouldn't mind giving a little talk & his testimony. Not to mention the fact that the Mission President was visiting. No matter, he of course was wonderful! Here's a couple of great points he spoke about:

{1} If your find yourself going through trials you're in good company! You're in the company of the Prophet, Apostles, even the Savior.

{2} He also gave one of our favorite quotes from Elder Grant:
"That which we persist in doing becomes easier to do, not that the nature of the thing has changed, but our power to do so is increased."

{3} He told a little of his conversion story of how he first went into a chapel at 19 to a Christmas program wiith my mom. 6 months later he was baptised. He was fellowshipped well & church ball was a big part of that for him. While playing ball he had a member help him buy a car & another one owned a sporting goods store & gave him a job. He worked for Bob Kerr of Kerr Sporting Goods for years while going through school. A year and a half after joining his father passed away. He had members step up to help with funeral expenses. One even gave them a burial plot for my Grandpa. (who I'm excited to meet one day!) All of these things helped increase his testimony & gain a great love for other members.

After sacrament meeting the Mission President (Pres. Pfile) wanted to interview Elliot himself. We're guessing it was because of Elliot's unique situation. He allowed Jill to stay in the room so that Elliot was comfortable. When he came out of the meeting with Pres. Pfile Mimi asked Elliot how he did. Pres. Pfile said he did great. He asked Elliot what he has learned & he told him everything. Then, he said something that we'll never forget! He told us that he told Jill that he BELIEVES that Elliot will overcome his afflictions one day. He reminded us that we all know the power of priesthood blessings & that Elliot would be no exception to that! He then told Elliot he loved him & that he was sad he wouldn't be able to make his baptism, but good luck!

UNBELIEVABLE!! Everyone standing their was in tears & shock. One of the members of the Bishopric has an autistic son & told Mimi later how amazing he thought that was! What an awesome blessing it was to hear that from the Mission President.

After church we went home to rest & prepare. While my Dad, Jill & I took a little nap Mimi had books read to her by Elliot.

I enjoyed waking up to his little voice reading so well & with so much animation. He was reading a book at one point about a stinky garbage truck & he & Mimi were just laughing hysterically. It was so fun to listen to him laugh so hard & just be silly.

**As this post is forever long already I'll put the baptism on another post. The amazement doesn't end here!**

TEMPLE WORK

July 16, 2009 marked a special day in my family. Not only was it my Dad's 60th birthday, but it was the day we were able to do temple work for my brother Michael. What a neat experience it was to be in the temple with my family knowing my Dad was acting as a proxy for my brother. I wish everyone could have been their. But, it's just too hard to work out schedules for a lot of people. It was a day we were excited for & we had a lot of anticipation for it this past year. It's comforting to know that his work is now done. Now for the day that we can be together again!!

ONE YEAR

I'm taking a break today from our trip posts to remember my brother Michael. Today marks the one year anniversary of his passing. It's still a shock. I'm not sure it will never not be. He is missed. Again - I'm just grateful for the knowledge I have that I'll see him again someday. This is a picture of his headstone....

I think it turned out great. We arrived home last night from our trip. We woke up & drove out to the cemetary this morning. We had a nice group family hug with me crying. Then, it took a minute to calm Kylie down. That was hard watching her be so upset. Jadyn doesn't really remember him like Kylie does. How do you explain to these sweet girls what happened in this situation? It's hard. Probably always will be. I just remember my parents & think of how much harder it is for them. I can't imagine watching my child go through all he's been through & then to lose him. My parents are strong, though & I admire them. I hope all of my family is able to take a moment today to remember Michael & how we can grow a little closer, reach out a little more to one another. I love my family & can only keep trying!

SAD WEEK

This is a sad week for me for 2 reasons...

1. Monday was the 15th. Which means that it was the 6 month anniversary of my brother's passing. It was a hard day for me remembering that. We did have a family party that night that helped me. I'm not sure if anyone even knew, but it was a rough one. I miss him - I've missed the normal Michael for years, but that doesn't make it any easier.

2. The studio that EmmaLee & I have worked so hard on is closing this week. We are so small, which is what we wanted. Well, we didn't want to be this small, but we didn't want to be huge either. With the economy the way it is & everyone cutting out "extras" - dance is the first "extra" to go for most families. Needless to say, we are no longer able to stay afloat. I debated about writing about this on my blog, but it is a part of my history, so it was necessary. Plus, I'd rather have people read about it than ask me how things are going & have to tell them in person. We are sad. Yet, we're also happy to be home more with our families.

On a happier note. We are excited for the holidays at my house! I am still working on our Christmas Cards. Surprise, surprise! It won't be much - I just have to do it. And we're going the lame route this year & emailing them out to everyone. So, if we don't have you're email be sure to leave a comment with it so we can get one to you. Thanks & love to all!

3 MONTHS

Today is the 3 month anniversary of my brother Michael's passing. (**Click HERE if you don't know the story.**) I still am in shock & not a day goes by that I don't think about him & that horrific week. Here's a picture I love...
My brother's Michael & Jeremy came with me to get my bridal pictures done. Along with Michael's first wife Suesie. We had so much fun laughing our heads off at all of the silly things I had to do. At one point the photographer had my brothers hold both sides of my veil out for a softer background & she had a hard time getting a straight picture because we were just laughing. (Yet, I also look at this & think - what was I thinking with that silly looking veil? And how much that dress dates me. Oh well!!) I'm so thankful for these memories I have & that our photographer thought about taking this picture.



Yesterday was my turn to teach in Relief Society & it was on the Plan of Salvation. Just a subtle reminder on why we're here & where we're going. Again, I'm so thankful for this knowledge. I just can't imagine how people go through things like this & think this is it. It just is mind boggling to me. For now, my only comfort is that I will see my brother again & for that I am grateful!

I love you Michael!!

Michael Pictures

Well, it's been a month today since my brother passed. I never got a chance to show some pics from that week. So, here they are - now you can better visualize from my long post earlier. I still can't believe it - I love you Michael!

MY WEEK

BEWARE - This will be a very long post. I want to jot down all of the weeks events for my own journaling purposes. Sorry if I ramble & it gets a little long, but it's something that I need to do for me. I will not be offended if you don't want to read it - it goes into a lot of detail that again, I needed to do for me.

SUNDAY - I received a call from my Dad on my way home from church that he is on his way to my house & dropping off my Grandma (who lives with my Dad & Stepmom) while he goes to the hospital. You see, we had a Father's Day dinner & party planned later that day at my house. But, my Dad got a call that my brother was in the hospital. He was found unconscious in his bathroom when his best-friend & roommate got home from Wal-Mart. My Dad tells me not to go with him just yet to the hospital, but to let him go down their & see what the situation is first. A half an hour later my Dad calls me & tells me I better get down to the hospital that things do not look well. I show up & in no way was prepared for what I saw. My brother's body was laying in the ICU, but you could tell he was not their. He was unconscious & had a breathing tube in. He was not able to breathe on his own. We waited with no change. My Dad stood by his side holding his hand for an hour while I sat in a chair & cried. The doctor's talked about doing a dialysis procedure to flush out his system & get rid of the toxins to see if that would help. We left the room so that the procedure could be taken care of at about 6:00pm & they said it would take an hour. At 7:00pm shift change occured, so we were unable to see him for another 45 min. At that time a doctor & a nurse came out & asked us (My Dad & stepmom, my brother Jeremy & his wife Tamara, and Me & Erik and my Grandma) to go into a conference room with them. The doctor explained that the procedure had not been done yet because his blood pressure was never stable enough to do it. She then told us that he had multiple organ failure - his lungs, liver, kidneys, intestines & basically his whole gut had failed. Therefore, she was not optimistic that anything would help. Besides the fact that when he was found unconscious they had no idea how long he had gone without oxygen to his brain. So, he could very possibly have brain damage as well. She said they would do anything they could & do the dialysis procedure if we wanted her to. But, it was our call how much we wanted done. She said if they did the procedure his blood pressure was so low that he will go under cardiac arrest, so we needed to decide whether or not we wanted them to continue trying to revive him or not. Well, after over an hour of my Dad calling my Mom in St. George & discussing things. It was decided to let him go. Now I don't want this to sound like we just gave up. NOT EVEN CLOSE!! The doctor was very blunt in telling us that no matter what we wanted them to do - it was not really going to help. He was too bad off & had no organs to sustain life even if he was able to be revived. My Dad, Jeremy & Erik gave him a blessing which asked that we here left behind could be comforted. At 9:00pm my Dad informed the doctor & the nurses to stop all efforts. (Their was a nurse constantly working on him. One nurse sat & pumped blood in him for over an hour & it would come out as quickly as she put it in.) At that point we sat in his room in silence & just watched his heart rate steadily drop on the monitors. At 9:45pm he passed. The doctor pronounced his death after their final vital sign checks at 9:55pm. We were devastated. There's so much more to the story - so many emotions. But, there was nothing more we could do for him. We left the hospital at 11:00pm in pure shock at what had just happened.

MONDAY - I didn't get much sleep & I was up at 5:00am. Still at a loss at what had happened. We had to wait for my Mom to arrive before any major plans could be made. We (my Dad, Jeremy & Tamara & I) spent the day looking at pictures, drawings & kid memorabilia my Dad had while we waited for my Mom. When my Mom arrived the work began. We went out to visit a few mortuaries & start getting the needed info. Then, it was back to my house while we continued to try & plan who would speak at the funeral, etc.

TUESDAY - My Dad picked me up in the morning & we went to pick out a plot at the Mesa City Cemetery. After which we headed to Allen Funeral Home which ended up being the mortuary we picked. We had to choose a casket & make the final decisions on the funeral & viewing times. Then, it was back to my home again to finalize the funeral program & finish picking out pictures for the DVD we wanted made. (Thanks again Allison for the DVD - it was wonderful!) I stayed up late writing the Life Sketch for Michael - that was my assignment for the funeral services. Not one I was necessarily happy about, but I knew I needed to do it.

WEDNESDAY - I spent the morning on the phone. There were so many calls & arrangements to be made. Who knew this would be such a busy time. The stress was overwhelming. We were doing everything through my ward since I was the most central for everyone & Michael's records were in my ward. He had not been active for years, but since we bought his home a couple of years ago - his records were still here because no one ever explained otherwise. We then had an appointment at 2:00pm at the mortuary to go dress Michael. Jeremy brought his suit from his wedding to dress Michael in. Jeremy spent most of his childhood receiving hand-me-downs, so this was his way he said of giving him a hand-me-down. Really though, Jeremy just wanted something special to be on Michael. Yet again, there was nothing to prepare me for this either. I've never been to a dressing before & it was very hard. I stayed back most of the time - it was just too much. Finally, at the end, I was able to pull it together long enough to button his suit coat. Still completely in shock that this was all really happening. Then, it was time to go home & prepare for the viewing. When I got home Michael's ex-wife Jill & his son Elliot had arrived at my home to stay with us. The viewing was from 6:00-8:00pm. We were their right at 6:00 & there was already a lot of family their. I took one step in & had to step out. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go in their & face all of the sad faces. I took a deep breathe & went in. We had friends show up from our childhood that we haven't seen in over 20 years. It was so neat to talk to them & hear all of the old stories of Michael. The next thing I knew it was 8:00pm & they were turning off the lights. The time went so fast - I couldn't believe it was all happening so quickly. Afterwards all of the family - & I mean all - went to Nielsen's Frozen Custard so we could still be together. Eventually we all had to go home & prepare for the next day ahead.

THURSDAY - We woke up & got ready to show up at the church by 9:45am. Everything was already set up & ready to go. We had a viewing again at 10:00am for those that couldn't be their the night before. The family prayer was at 10:45am by my Grandpa Jim Carroll & we got to say our final good-byes before closing the casket. What a hard task that was. How do you say good-bye? How do you keep it together as you watch his 7 year old autistic son that doesn't truly grasp what's happening go up & say,"That's my Michael - he's sleeping." You just don't - it's too overwhelming. The casket was then closed for good & we followed behind as it was rolled into the chapel for the funeral services. The funeral was beautiful. The opening & closing prayers were taken straight from his baptism program. They were songs he chose back then & we wanted them to be the songs for this as well. The opening song was "Teach Me To Walk in The Light". Then, I gave the life sketch. Something that was tremendously hard for me to do. Jeremy then gave a beautiful talk about some of his favorite memories of Michael. We then had a congregational Hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob". Followed by a talk on the Plan of Salvation by my Uncle Jeff Mason. He was a seminary teacher for years & couldn't have done a more beautiful job. He talked about how ironic it was that he died on Father's Day. How hard it was for us & that we couldn't believe it would be on that day, but how fitting it was for our Heavenly Father who loved him the most to want him home with him on that day. That was comforting to think of it that way rather than what a horrible Father's Day it was for us. The closing song was "I Am A Child of God". After the pallbearers carried the casket into the hurse it was time to follow to the cemetery. My Dad gave the cemetery dedication prayer & I can only imagine the strength that took for him. Because this was the end. Once we left here it was all over. That was hard for me because I knew that. I didn't want things to end because then I really had to let him go & I still am not prepared to do that. But, we had no choice. A luncheon was prepared by my ward for my family back at the church building at 1:30pm. I can never thank my ward enough for all that they did. From my Bishop & his wonderful support, willingness to help & wonderful conducting of the funeral services to the all the wonderful women in my ward who helped with the luncheon. Not to mention my friends Brooke Sutherland & Melissa Mortensen who took care of the music for us. I am lucky to know such amazing people. We took our time being with family that we hardly ever see & I couldn't bare to leave. I just couldn't believe it was over & this was the end. I'm still in shock. We spent the rest of the day & evening at my house with family & enjoying Elliot & his sweet spirit. He's such a beautiful kid.

FRIDAY - This was the first day that I didn't have a million things to do all week. We literally just sat around my house-exhausted. I played many games of "gold fish" with Elliot. Only he has his own way of playing. I watched him draw Ursula & Sebastian from The Little Mermaid & lots of robots. It was crazy to watch him - if he would have been left handed I would have thought it was Michael. There are so many ways that he is like Michael. Michael loved to draw & drew on EVERYTHING!! Elliot is the same way. My Mom & Alan came to say bye to Elliot on their way back home. Later my Dad & Mignon came to spend time. They took us all to Organ Stop Pizza & we sat there for 2 hours watching the guy play the organ. Elliot just sat in his chair the whole time watching & loved it. It was so fun to share that with him & Michael would have loved it as well.

SATURDAY - Paul (Jill's new husband), Jill, Elliot & Meghan (Jill's sister) left to head home at 9:00am. That was hard - we hardly get to see them & Elliot is the only bit of Michael that is living. But, I am excited at the prospect of seeing them more. Paul is so good with Elliot & I'm so happy he is there for Elliot & Jill. He is now a part of the family. Once they were gone I went to the cemetery. Michael, of course, was already laid to rest. I sat their & cried & asked for forgiveness. For him to please forgive me that I didn't try harder to help him, that I was too mad & stubborn to be a better sister. Even though I feel that we tried a lot & he just didn't try back - it's still a guilt I will forever have to live with. What a week - one that will haunt me forever. I can't believe it's all over & I won't get the chance to see him again on this earth. I still can't believe this all really happened.

MICHAEL

Michael Emmett Smith, Jr.

May 25, 1970 - June 15, 2008

This is my brother Michael with his son Elliot. He passed away last night. And even though it was one of those cenarios where you knew this call would come - it in no way prepares you for it. It was a very rough afternoon/evening which ended with a decision to be made. And again, even if you always knew how you would handle & choose in a situation like this - it changes all perspective when it's staring straight at you. I carry a lot of guilt for not calling more & trying harder. But, that is neither here nor their at this point.

My brother Jeremy reminded us of a story last night that completely explains Michael I think. When Michael & Jeremy were in there early teens they had paper routes. This was back in the day where the "paper boys" had to go around to their customers & collect the money. Well, Michael went to this door to collect money & an older man answered the door. The man gave Michael the money & then handed him an extra quarter saying,"Here, this is for you." Michael just looked at him & the man said,"go buy yourself an ice cream cone." Being the quick-witted person Michael is he looked at the man & replied,"Thanks, but could you pay for the ice cream, too?" He was very quick & never afraid to speak his mind.

I remember being at a friends house in high school & talking to her older sister one night. We found out that she knew my brother in high school & they had seminary together. She told me how they were always amazed at the questions that would come out of his mouth. Back in high school he was what they called back then a "mod". (I guess that would be an equivalent to a "goth" now days.) She said how they would be in awe to see this kid all dressed in black & looking a little strange to come up with such profound questions. He would even stump the seminary teacher. I had the same seminary teacher years later at a different high school & he still very much remembered Michael. Bro. Searle told me how he would have to go home & research things after Michael would ask questions. He told me he had never before had such an intuitive student before. He even ended up winning the scripture mastery award his senior year.

I also think that this post would not be complete without some clarifications on one of our favorite family stories. One that I will never live down & always get harrassed for. For Michael's birthday one year (I believe his 13th, so I would have been 7.) I wanted to get him the Michael Jackson "Thriller" record. (Yes, record, before CD's.) Now, I knew he wanted this, so my mom let me get it. Well, my brothers still make fun of me that I got this for me & not really for him - since he didn't want it. But, I know otherwise & harrass me all you want, but I think there's something to say in the fact that my Mom bought it for me to give to him. I was only 7 & couldn't buy it myself. There's got to be some validity in the fact that he wanted it otherwise she would have talked me in to buying something else.

Michael loved his son very much. Elliot is a beautiful boy & my heart goes out to him. I love my brother & even though the last few years have been hard - he's still my brother. He will be greatly missed & it's times like this that remind me of how grateful I am for the truthfulness of the gospel. I know I will see him again & that is my comfort right now.